FF13's Crowning Moments of PHAIL
by Lady Midday
Summary: Title speaks for itself, doesn't it?
1. Chapter 1

**Hi there,**

**This is the start of what I hope becomes a nice collection of little stories about all kinds of FF13 oddities, WTF moments, and other things I couldn't help but wonder about during the game. Not in chronological order.**

**Warnings: maybe just a tinge of OOCness**

**Enjoy~!**

_One day, at the top of the Tower of Taejin, Gran Pulse..._

'Take this!'

With one final well-aimed slash, Lightning finished off the fal'Cie Dahaka. It dropped to the floor in a scrappy mess, twitching a few times before it finally stopped moving. Lightning landed next to its remains gracefully. Boy, that thing had not gone down easily. Even with its tail chopped off by the giant stone man, it had trashed about until the very end.

'Whew, I'm glad that's over,' Sazh wheezed, stashing away his guns in the holsters. The little Chocobo in his Afro squeaked in agreement, before diving back into its safe nest.

Well, come on, time's a wasting. We have to get to Oerba,' Lightning said with her smooth voice, seemingly unaffected by the harsh battle.

'Ah, hell no! We've been running and fighting for hours, without a single break!' Sazh protested incredulously, before letting himself sink to the floor.  
'I ain't going nowhere without resting for a moment first.'

Lightning crossed her arms in front of her chest, eventually muttered a 'fine' and leaned her back against the wall.

'Heh, I got to agree with you old man, that was a pretty challenging climb. With all those forced detours, and broken elevators...' Snow sighed, plopping himself down next to Sazh for a moment.

'Not to mention all the monsters inside that place, itching for a chance to taste some fresh L'Cie meat,' Vanille added with a nod.

'And when we finally got out, there was only a very pissed off fal'Cie waiting for us as a reward,' Fang said with a smirk.  
'But hey, why are we complaining? We all made it out in one piece after all.'

Snow, Sazh, and Vanille couldn't help but smile at these words. She was right, they were all alive, together, and still going strong. Even Lightning's stern face had softened a little at the thought.

'You know what really is the best part?' Hope suddenly piped up.

Five heads turned to the silver-haired boy's direction curiously.

'Fang could have just summoned her Eidolon. We could have flown over the tower, and not deal with any of this at all.'

_Silence._

'YOU'RE TELLING US THIS NOW!'

**Seriously, the FF13 cast makes life so difficult for themselves sometimes. *shakes head***

**This idea popped up in my head during an exam. Couldn't focus anymore for the last hour because I wanted to write. XD**

**Next in line: It's official now; all PSICOM soldiers suffer from attention span disorders.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey people! Thanks for all the wonderful reviews, alerts and fav's! (Yea, I send messages too, but I think it's easier if I just thank everyone here from now on)  
There's a small change of plans. I know I said this chapter would be about PSICOM, but this other plot just attacked me, and wouldn't let me alone, so I decided to do this one first. **

**Warnings: little OOCness, slight breaking the fourth wall!**

**Enjoy~!**

_One day, just outside Eden..._

The trouble had all started when Hope caught Vanille staring at him intensely, after one of the many battles.  
Or rather, at his _pants_.

Hey... V-Vanille? Is something wrong?' he asked as unflustered as boy of fourteen could ask, after just catching a cute girl staring at him. Or rather, his _pants._

Vanille moved her eyes up to his and then nodded. 'Hmm, yes! I have a question,' she said with a big, winning smile.

Hope wondered why there was suddenly a sense of impending doom hanging over his head.

'Say, Hope, where do you leave your boomerang after battle?' Vanille asked innocently, 'I mean, it's far too big to fit into your pocket, yet it always disappears.'

'Yeah, now that she mentions it what is the deal with that?' Sazh meddled himself in the conversation as well.  
He'd been sitting with his back towards them before, but was now listening intently.

'Guys... no. Just drop that,' Hope pleaded with raised hands, backing away from Sazh and Vanille.

'Awww, come on Hope, don't be a spoilsport. Show us your trick,' Vanille gushed, clapping her hands eagerly.  
She hopped around poor Hope, and looked at his pants expectantly.

'Hey, stop that! It's- I mean _I_ am not going to show anything!'

Well, kid, you gotta at least explain it. You got us all curious now,' Sazh ordered.

'Yeah, spill it, Hope,' Vanille encouraged him further.

'Wait, wait!' Hope brought out, his mind racing for a way out of this, 'Then... I've got another few things I want explained from you guys first.'

'Like what?'

'Like Sazh,' Hope pointed at him, 'Did you know baby Chocobo's built their nests out of their own crap? Is that the funny smell I smell around you all the time?'

'Gee, I never-,' Sazh started, scratching the back of his neck uncomfortably, but Hope had already shifted his attention to Vanille.

'And Vanille, in battle, why do you, with every teeny tiny physical effort you make, sound like you're having an orga- Argh, can't say that in T rated fic. I mean, why do you sound like you _enjoy_ getting hit just a little too much? It's very distracting!'

'Oh,' is all Vanille said, looking completely flustered.

'Hey, kids? Maybe some things are better just... left alone,' Sazh said wisely.

Vanille and Hope nodded in agreement, and shot each other some awkward glances before moving on, determined to forget this conversation ever happened.

**I'm telling you, Hope must store that thing in his ass. You're welcome for the mental image and/or damage that brought =]**

**Sorry, still no PSICOM next chapter. I already promised Smash Genesis I'd do his story suggestion third. **

**By the way, I'll be taking more requests. So if there's any WTF story you'd like to see, PM or drop in a review, and I'll see what I can do ;) **


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks again for all the wonderful reviews, alerts, fav's, and suggestions!  
Credit goes to Smash Genesis for the suggestion. It's time for another jab at Eidolon stupidity!**

**Enjoy~!**

_One day, in the main reactor room, aboard the Palamencia..._

Only Vanille and Sazh' heavy breathing, and quick footsteps broke the silence in the corridors at the main reactor of Palamencia. While the rainbow alarm system had been beeping tirelessly before, somehow the power had shut down all of a sudden. Well, they didn't have time to stop and wonder about it. They were trying to make a quick getaway, and find their friends after all.

'I think we shook off the PSICOMs,' Vanille panted, glancing back over her shoulder.

'Hey hey, you're right!' Sazh answered with a ear-to-ear smile, after looking behind him too, 'Finally fortune's on the l'Cie side!'  
All they'd have to do is follow the path, and they'd be out in a jiffy!

How wrong he was. Fortune's a backstabbing bitch.

'Damn it, it's a dead end!'  
Sazh pounded his fists against the metallic barricade in frustration. Vanille's face fell for a moment when she saw Sazh like this, but soon enough she smiled again.

'Sazh, it's not over yet, and we got way too far to be giving up now,' Vanille encouraged her companion, with balled fists and determined expression.  
She then hopped over to the wall, and pressed the palm of her hand against the cold metal.

'A giant wall. Now, how are we going to break through you? Oh, I know! We're gonna need something like a bomb!' Vanille exclaimed, very pleased with herself.

'Where we gonna find one? Those things don't tend to just lie around for the picking,' Sazh answered, still skeptical.

'I don't know,' Vanille said with a little pout, 'Aww, I really wish we could, like, call upon a huge, flaming, red knight! And she'd have a big Warhammer, and explosive projectiles to blast a way through for us! BANG!'  
Vanille made a wide, silly gestures with her arms, emphasizing her point.

'Haha, and why don't we add a fast, red formula-one car for a smooth getaway to that list as well?' Sazh joked, in a considerable better mood now, 'Now, if we had tools like that, there's no way those tugs would've had us locked up in that darn prison cell for so long in the first place.'

'Yup!'

_Meanwhile, location unknown..._

Brynhildr let out a deep sigh.

Bahamut patted her back understandingly.

**Brynhildr, Brynhildr, I share thou woe**.

**Next chapter will be about the ADD soldiers! After that I'll be doing requests... when I have an idea that goes with it. You guys really are creative, some things I never thought of myself. XD**

**Oh, and in this a/n I also wanted to randomly state that I love Sazh. That scene in the prison with his Chocobo was awesome. He needs more attention on here! SAAAAAZH *fangirl squeal***


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey people, thanks for all the reviews, alerts and fav's!**  
**Okay, I'm totally gonna stop blaming those soldiers. AGAIN I changed my mind, and did another chapter. Sorry! This is by far my most silly and stupid chapter until now.** **Credit goes to Gordon Anderson for his suggestion. Why you can't just use a Phoenix down when the leader hits zero. **

**Warnings: OOCness, MAJOR Breaking the Fourth Wall!**

**Enjoy~!**

_One day, during a random battle..._

The fight was intense; bullets and flashes of magic filled the cool winter sky. Both sides were taking heavy hits, yet refused to go down.  
The end seemed nowhere near until...

'Aargh!' Lightning cried dramatically, before she slumped to the ground, and stopped moving.

'Light! Oh no, her HP hit zero!' Hope gasped.

'It's over! It's all over!' Snow bawled, sinking to his knees.

'But... but... we can still fight, and the monster is still right in front of us!' Hope protested, pointing at their enemy.  
The monster however, was just standing there, chewing on some grass, and looking pretty. Apparently, he lost all interested after Lightning was floored.

Hope blinked.

'... I'm not even going to question it anymore.'

'That's probably for the best,' Snow shrugged, 'Just like I don't try to wonder why one of the other non-selected for battle people don't jump in now.'

The moment Snow said those words, Lightning started to stir, and mumbled something in Snow and Hope's direction.

'Hey, Snow. I think Light is trying to tell us something,' Hope remarked.

'Sis, sis! What are you trying to tell us?' Snow rushed to Lightnings side, and supported her with his arms.

'Use... a Ph- Ph-' Lightning forced out with difficulty.

'A phone book?' Snow guessed.

Lightning groaned.

'A.. uh.. pharmacist?' Hope tried.

Lightning groaned louder.

'Use a phaeton? A pharaoh? The "Phorce"?'

'Wrong universe and bad spelling, shame on you!' Hope scolded.

'Feh, like your suggestions are better, brat!'

'Big oaf!'

Neither of them paid attention to Lightning anymore, who tried to crawl away from the retardation.

...

_Later, in some Square Enix office..._

Motomu Toriyama, Yoshinori Kitase, and Kazumi Kobayashi sat in their chairs, all looking highly disturbed. Eventually, Mr. Toriyama cleared his throat and spoke up.

'Guys? I say we just make it... game over when the leader can't fight. For all our sakes.'

'I agree.'

'Absolutely.'

**Told you this was going to be really silly. I blame everything on the cast's stupidity. XD But I also agree with the reviewers that said the game wouldn't be as much fun if the cast were smart. :P**

**... I'm not gonna say anything anymore about the subject of the next chapter. I change my mind too often. **


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey people, thanks for all the reviews, favs, alerts. Well, I finally finished the game. Yes, I know, shame on me for not doing so earlier. Credit goes to BiJane for the idea. Why the hell did they even fight Orphan? Again, kind of silly and stupid.**

**Enjoy~!**

_One day, near the heart of Eden..._

'The cavalry is on its way to the heart of Eden, I suggest you do the same,' Dysley drawled, with an arrogant smirk on his face.

Before any of the l'Cie had the chance to respond again, their hated enemy had vanished in thin air. Lightning scowled in annoyance, but lowered her weapon, realizing he was out of their reach now. The others followed her example.

'...So, what should we do now?' Hope questioned, somewhat uncertain.

'Hm. I say we do exactly as Dysley says, and head to the heart of Eden,' Lightning spoke up, with a thoughtful face.

'Yeah, let's do exactly what he says, because free choice is all we have left, and we'll never let ourselves be ruled by a fal'Cie,' the other five agreed simultaneously.

'Besides, it's not a matter of can or can't anymore... we just do it,' Hope said, after the decision was made.

_Many, many fights later, inside Orphan's Cradle..._

The group of l'Cie heroes all somehow made it safely through the Eden, Orphan's Cradle, and the warping gate. Judging from the raising tension, they were getting very close to the insane fal'Cie.

Sazh, who was standing in front, turned around to face the other five l'Cie.

'Well this is it, guys. You all ready?'

'Of course. We'll beat Dysley, save Cocoon, and create our own destiny!' Snow practically shouted, pounding his fist in the air.

'We can totally do this,' Vanille nodded.

Hope opened his mouth to protest; 'No, no. It's not a matter of can or can't-'

'YES, WE GET THE POINT ALREADY! STOP REPEATING IT EVERY CUT SCENE!'

'Hmpf. Light started it...'

After these final words, all six heroes jumped down bravely, towards their final stand. As expected, Dysley was waiting for them to arrive.

'I see you continue to be defiant,' Dysley droned, looking a little more annoyed now, 'Don't make Cocoon suffer any longer, and take Orphan down yourselves.'

'We'll never play to a fal'Cie's hand,' Lightning sneered.

'We're gonna decide our own fate, and save Cocoon!' Snow added.

Everyone readied their weapon, glaring at the transforming fal'Cie.

_After Dysley got his ass handed to him..._

'Saaaalvaation! At last!'

A cackling laugh sounded from underneath them, as the green, water-like substance started rippling and splashing. The laugh steadily became louder, until it echoed through the entire room. Seconds later, the weirdest looking fal'Cie yet came diving up from the liquid. It looked like a hybrid between different machines; with multiple colors, faces, and non-matching limbs.

'Is that...?' Vanille gasped.

'Yes, that's Orphan. We've awakened it by beating Dysley. It's energy supply of Cocoon, and the thing that keeps everything together. Cocoon's destruction would be inevitable without it,' Hope pointed out.

...

'Let's destroy it, and protect Cocoon!'

'Yes!'

**Totally loved the game, but I must say the ending was weird. I understand they wanna get rid of fal'Cie, but you really should make a plan BEFORE destroying the energy supply. Also, I got a bit tired after the 145043542354th "we can do this togetheeeeer! and create our own destinyyy" 8D speech... while they kept doing exactly what Dysley wanted.**

**P.S. Did anyone else notice that in the first Orphan fight, it's almost like he was directing the opera-ish music in the background with his pointlessly flailing arm? XD**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey, thanks for the reviews, alerts, and favs! It's really appreciated. I'm sorry for the lack of updates on this. I've been having some inspiration problems... as in: I don't have any. My apologies if it's very noticeable in this chapter. Anyway, this piece isn't a suggestion, but something I noticed while playing. It contains one small part of a suggestion though; from Prythia**

_One day, in Palumpolum..._

Well, wasn't this great?

PSICOM soldiers had surrounded Hope and Lightning almost instantly when they exited the elevator, leading to the ground level. Yes, as usual, they were in quite a bit of a fickle. It was... meh, about the 2198322 time Lightning should have thought of using Odin, but instead decided to make life increasingly hard for herself and team for the just and noble cause of angst.

Luckily, Snow and his companion Fang showed up just in time to save the day. Snow, who miraculously is the _only_ one who uses strategy this chapter, decided to do the intelligent thing, and summon his Eidolon to clear out the PSICOM soldiers. Lightning did wonder if he even realized he was literally _riding_ two women right now, who were folded into each other in a way that would make a Kamasutra master jealous.  
It was one of the many reasons she wouldn't let him date her sister. Well that, and his rather disturbing habit of shouting Serah's name at the most inappropriate times.

Despite the death of most PSICOMs in the area, Lightning felt the urge to run off on her own anyway. Sticking together only worked in horror movies after all; and they were in a linear game. Now, she only had to find someone to take care of Hope... Maybe Snow. Hope only hated his guts, and wanted to see him dead, preferably as soon as possible, after all.

Made perfect sense.

Lightning turned to Snow. 'Here, you take care of him,' she told him, shoving the silver-haired boy in his direction.

'What? But you promised me you wouldn't abandon me just ten minutes ago in the underground sewer system!' Hope said indignantly.

'I was hoping you wouldn't remember that. Err, I mean, I'm not abandoning you, Hope. I'm leaving you in the care of the guy who dropped your mom off the bridge, and some violent-looking woman I've never even seen before, though she's gonna magically turn up next to me later this chapter. Well, good luck to you!' With those last words, Lightning ran off on her own.

'Gee, I know I'm all about the "It's just something you do speeches" but there are just some thing you _don't_ do!' Hope moped.

* * *

_With Lightning..._

'Hey, Lightning!' a voice called from behind her. When she turned, the wild-looking woman named Fang was standing there, her hand on her hip.

'Wait a moment,' Lightning thought out loud, 'If you're here (for no apparent reason, we don't even know each other)... That means Snow's alone with- Oh, snap.'

Fang shrugged. 'Don't blame me. You're the one running off like that. I just followed you so I can check out your boob- Brand. Your brand.'

Lightning raised one eyebrow. 'Right...'

'It's called fanservice. Haven't you heard? We're the new flavor of the week in the fandom. Everyone's writing about us, so they get loads of reviews! They even came up with a pairing name!'

'... Fandom? Us? _Pairing name_?' Lightning echoed, with a puzzled face.

'What? You prefer Hope then? If you ask me, the pairing name for that should be Lightning Felon,' Fang snickered.

'...'

'Ah, never mind.' Fang waved her hand dismissively. 'Moving on with the plot; here's the phone so you can talk to Snow. You know, about getting back in the group again, because separating was pointless in the first place.'  
Fang threw the phone at Lightning. The latter caught it, and held it against her ear.

'Hey sis, is that you?' Snow's voice sounded on the other side of the line.

'I'm not your sister!' Lightning snapped, 'Now let's work out our rendezvous point.'

_I'm feeling like I'm forgetting something important, though_ Lightning thought, as they elaborately discussed the meeting area.

The Yaag Rosch cut scene? No, they already had that. Maybe it was a Serah rant? Snow hadn't met his quota for saying her name this chapter yet...

Then, it finally hit her.

Ooooh right! Homicidal Hope hot on Snow's tail because of her. Gee, how could she fail to mention something so important _right away_? Silly her.

'Hey Snow, there's something you should know.'

'What? Li- Krggggrggg.'

'Dammit, the signal's gone!' Lightning growled.

'Come on, don't tell me you didn't see that one coming from miles away. Standard revenge plot.' Fang rolled her eyes.

Lightning shrugged. 'Yeah, I guess I could have known that was kicking in when I suddenly thought it would be a good idea to leave them alone. And failed to mention the whole revenge scheme right away. So, we're going to look for them now?'

'Nah, first I'm telling you my background story. It even has a flashback! Don't worry about them, we got time. Hope wouldn't go off killing Snow without giving one of his long, profound speeches first. He's safe, at least until the next big cut scene.'

**So, Lightning knows Hope is out for blood, and promised not to abandon him. Then she gives him to Snow who she deems totally irresponsible AND fails to warn Snow about the impending doom right away over the phone. What. The. Hell. Seriously, re-watch/play the chapter.  
****Oh, and by the way, about the slight pairing bashing: I don't hate either, they're just easy targets. Nothing personal~ Plus, I wanted to make the chapter a bit longer because I hadn't updated in so long.**


End file.
